Roadblocks

Perhaps the most definitive experience in my writing "journey," has been the presence of roadblocks. Sometimes these are real and tangible things that happen to me and sometimes these are of my own creation. Whichever version they may be, roadblocks are the things which have halted my forward momentum.

I've entered a strange season of life, where I am frequently balancing a feeling that I could die at any moment against the list of things I would like to accomplish before the inevitable end puts a period on my creative process. In my optimistic youth I had imagined hundreds of novels I would one day write. Even in optimistic terms, if I could reliably output 1 novel per year, there is no version of this which will result in hundreds of novels. This realization has chided my current state of inactivity.

What happened to my plans? I gave up on them. I spent a period of my life pushing very hard to attain the title of "writer." The efforts I made did not result in any sort of financial benefit - certainly not any benefit which could justify writing to the extent that I wanted (full-time). Despite this, I have had several periods of my life which were opened to writing full-time, periods which I neither utilized to their fullest extent, nor realized the precious finity of.

In pondering these facts, I've begun to consider what I can do with whatever time I have left. I want my children to be able to read the stories I've been imagining my whole life. If nothing else, I want that. This means I have to wrestle thought to written word. And I have to do so with some urgency.

It isn't until I start trying to accomplish something that I begin to encounter the roadblocks. This is the comfort of letting the pursuit of writing drift to the back of my mind: there are no roadblocks to contend with. Currently, I am facing a fair few. 

1. The information I've generated about my story is scattered across my life and I have to gather at least some of it to ensure my writing remains consistent to what I've already produced.

2. I have to accept that my output may not be seen by anyone - even the people who are close to me that I've directly asked to look at it. People are busy and forgetful. I've certainly given myself the liberty to be so.

3. The formats I choose to present my ideas in each present their own limitations and challenges, which I am often ill-prepared to address. I have to strike a balance between trying to accomplish my goals perfectly and remembering to actually accomplish my goals. 

4. The rest of life does not pause itself to make space for my projects. I have to learn how to fit honest and profound effort into the cracks and spaces that I am able to find. The challenge of doing this without missing out on the limited supply of life experiences with my family is monumental, but important.

Today, I thought to type all of this out because I am attempting to resolve my initiative into continued forward momentum. I've divided my second book into four sections and promised to make those available in several formats. I've stalled a bit along that journey as these roadblocks have tripped me. I am standing back up and moving forward again, and again.

Cooperative Storytelling

Although progress on my main storyline has ground to an unceasing halt in the past decade, I am neither dead nor inactive. Lately, I've focused my storytelling efforts on long form cooperative story narration. Otherwise known as Dungeons and Dragons, or tabletop RPG gaming. Different people participate in the hobby for different reasons, but for me it is very much an exercise in telling a story. In this case, a story which I am making up as I go along.

This has brought a lot of challenges, particularly with plot continuity. The story is currently being styled after a pre-built module which encapsulates all of the larger plot points and things which are supposed to motivate the characters forward. The modules themselves have starting and ending points which the players progress between. Atop this I have two main challenges which are helping me flex my atrophied story writing capabilities. First, there's the character backgrounds and motivations themselves. This portion is very cooperative, as the backgrounds and plot hooks are all developed by the players and then shared with me at whatever moment seems ideal to them. Second is the overarching storyline I am developing by myself to tie together the Character's narratives along with the various modules' narratives.

I imagine at some point all of this will simply become too cumbersome to continue. However, for now I have had the delightful experience of seeing my narrative possibilities grow and expand to the point that I am now plotting out how best to carry my players to the next major point in my own story and determining which pre-made modules might best suit this journey.

This is by no means a story of which I am proud, but I am enjoying it enough to share the meat of its production in prose format on a separate weblog. Plot holes? I am certain there are many. Cliches? Undoubtedly thousands of them.

It is a bit freeing to work on a project without any self-imposed quality limitations. This is just for fun, and something I will continue to deem a success for as long as the players stay engaged and derive enjoyment from the plot progression.

The Struggle Is Real

It has been awhile since I have mustered the desire to invest time into writing at the end of the day. I know that if I want to be a "writer" then I haven't any other choice. However, I have grown strangely comfortable with my half-hearted effort. When I read stories of other authors who wrote their first book in their spare time while juggling all the rest of life, I tell myself simply that they felt and acted much the same way, there's just no reason to include it in a triumphant story of struggling through to achieve their goals.

I still maintain my goal of finishing a new edit on my second book before the advent of my 40th birthday. It grows more unlikely by the day, but I am clinging to the hope. I am the only one clinging to it, I think. I don't feel like anyone around me is really taking me seriously at this point. This is fine. I haven't given anyone much reason to take me seriously.

Even so, I do feel like I am pressing onward. Currently, I am stuck. I am suck in the prelude of my own story because it is the section with which I am the most unhappy. It might not be the worst section, I am not sure. It is the most pressing to me because it is the part that drives people away from the story before they can make enough headway to care about finishing. 

I know what the issues with the prelude are and I have a good idea how to address them. Even so, I am having a lot of trouble getting myself to slog through the rewrite. I've told myself it is because I am out of practice. Or because I am tired. Or because I lack inspiration. 

All true. 

I have to get through this, though, if I am to have any hope of finishing within a month.

Not done yet

I am quite pleased that my writing enjoyment did not end with the snippet composed as of my last post. I have continued in the vein of that proposed plot progression. I have some concerns over my portrayal of the main character, but overall am more pleased to actually spend some time portraying her than concerned about an inaccurate version. I will, of course, spend a great deal of time slowly hashing out the finer points.

I am more committed to the actual plot points as well. I feel they provide an excellent setting to the last act of the story. I am not certain how relevant my musings on that setting will be in our current society, but I think they have some danger of ostracizing me as a writer. I am mostly alright with this, but only given that I successfully convey the finer details of my thinking. If people wish to hate me for that, it's fine. I just don't want it to happen over a misinterpreted or poorly written thought. It is a bit of a minefield, but one I have been anxious to wade into.

My lament here is that I haven't released a serious revision of any writing and yet the most interesting pastime for me is to adventure into the final act of what should be a very, very long story arc. I still have zero confidence in my ability to write on a full-time basis - my past failures haunt me more than I can say. 

I have but one goal, and time is passing so very quickly that I am not sure I will succeed in reaching it: to finish the newest edit on TPA:TGW before my birthday. The birthday comes in August and I have stalled out on just the prelude to the book, for reference's sake. I have some good ideas of what needs to be done, I am just not sitting down to do it.

This is an old and tired excuse. It will ensure I never reach my goal if I continue to return to it.

Written Again

I dipped once more into the euphoria of snippet composition yesterday. I found myself fascinated with an alteration to the Bruce vignette which managed to marry all the characters together with a cohesion that has hitherto eluded me. I am confident this is the right direction for this act in the narrative, far off though it may be. Lamentations over my lack of proficiency aside, this alteration provided the inspiration for an intriguing shift to the dynamic between the main character and some of the setting's personalities. I couldn't help myself but to write the piece as I saw it in my head, which extended my fifteen minute afternoon break awkwardly past its confines. I had to stay late to make it up, which caused real-world chagrin with the schedule for my family, yet it was wholly worthwhile.

As for the actual prose I composed, I am not confident it is actually good. Not because of the composition itself, that part is doubtless deeply flawed, but for the content. I explored a concept in the relationship that is... exotic. Exotic and also repulsive. It is both appropriate to the action beat and inappropriate to the potential audience. I cannot imagine my own children trying to make sense of what occurs in this scene and how it might alter their perceptions of the world around them. Perhaps in an educating fashion, perhaps in a challenging one. Perhaps only in a damaging way. I haven't had the necessary time to work through this in my mind, but I will need to spend a good deal of time pondering the ramifications of such a narrative choice before I can commit to it as a definitive addition to the story cannon.

These concerns aside, it was a joy to actually feel like a writer again. I am certainly not deserving of the blessing.

Trello Activated

Though I have very little to say of actual writing, I invested in a project to enhance my writing experience by augmenting it with a Trello board (for the TPA-TGW rewrite in particular. I have yet to determine whether this is just a distraction or an actual aid. So far, I've found myself listless and unproductive in my attempts to rewrite the prelude after a strong start on the first section. I think this is because there are so many problems with the second section that I don't really know where to begin with it. 

I do need to begin, though. Else this effort dies like so many other and dreams of completing TPA-TGW before I turn 40 die with it. I have all the usual distractions, which I indulged in heavily this past weekend, but I retain a positive outlook. As I have suspected previously, I am out of practice with writing. Whether that becomes a primary excuse or a hurdle to clear is yet to be determined in full. For now, it is mostly just a primary excuse.

In the meantime, I've been writing snippets for God, Logically and enjoying the process thoroughly.

Writing Tools

I have never been a very prolific writer, so my preferences and techniques may not be the most effective guidelines. I struggle with the dichotomy between analog and digital. I prefer the analog experiences, finding them exceptionally motivational and deeply inspirational. Conversely, I prefer to manage projects - particularly large projects - digitally. I can write much faster with a keyboard. Editing is much more easily accomplished. Project design is more fluid and integrated. Hence, a large portion of my journey so far has been dedicated to discovering some form of balance between these two media.

While I am easily a better typist than writer, sometimes typing can get in the way of the creative process. Although this may seem counter-intuitive, it is absolutely true and I am certain I am not the only person to experience this. While I never write prose by hand, I most often jot notes, character details and plot outlines in a notebook first. This is simply the most productive approach for me. 

I still lack any real skill at correctly cataloging my notebooks. All of them eventually end life as dump books and scratch pads. Because of this, story information kept only in notebooks becomes fairly useless to me. I can flesh out ideas very well within the medium, but any detailed information must eventually be transferred to digital documents in order to be truly relevant and useful.

Even digitizing documents is not a one-stop trick for ultimate usefulness. Digital information suffers the same problems as analog: 1) organization and 2) accessibility. Try to write anywhere without proper internet access and quickly discover the limitations of that medium. For my digital documents I've also needed to develop systems of control. 

First and foremost is organization. I keep my works in progress separate from finished manuscripts. In my WIP bucket, I organize documents by folders named for the story title. Then I further divide things into notes, snippets and prose. Notes are any pieces of information related to the current story. Snippets are short pieces of prose I may have composed along the way. Prose is the actual story and for this I must divide again into revisions. Tracking revisions has been incredibly important throughout my process.

Accessibility is a more complex subject and one I am still learning how to handle well. I have come to lean on internet access as the most viable solution to this issue. It is not even close to a perfect solution, but it is the best I can come up with. This is where a Chromebook becomes key. The deft handling of local versus cloud-only content that is built into the system has made accessibility less of a headache than a background concern. It has made Google Drive my go-to tool for document storage and organization. 

If you've made it this far through my scattered thoughts, the summary of my content creation process looks like this:

handwritten ideas > digitized ideas > organized ideas > prose created via ideas

For the digital side of this, I carry my Chromebook and keyboard everywhere
Chromebook C302 - I chose this chromebook over the Samsung Plus model because of reports indicating a superior keyboard. It was a good choice. The C302 has been my "daily driver" for a couple years now and I still love nearly everything about it.
Logitech K810 - Though these aren't in production any more (newer model), they are still commonly sold for a ridiculous price. There's nothing special about this keyboard that would make it better than any other keyboard with similar capabilities. It is the type which makes it special for me. It can connect to 3 different bluetooth devices at a time and easily switch between them, which means I can use to write anywhere, on whatever I have at the time. On the computer at work, on my tablet, on my laptop, even on my phone. All I have to do is connect it or activate the connection I've already made and I am good to go. Plus the battery life is amazing. 

And when I want to do serious writing on any computer, I prefer to use one of these two USB keyboards paired with my favorite mouse
Razer BlackWidow with Cherry MX Blue switches - They don't sell this keyboard any more. I am not necessarily married to the old Cherry MX switches either, but this keyboard was a gift from a friend who was shocked to learn, after I told him I thought this Logitech K740 might be the best keyboard available, that I hadn't ever used a mechanical keyboard.
Razer Ornata Chroma - I fell in love with mechanical keyboards once I was introduced to them. The switches with added click fill me with happiness. I don't particularly enjoy the stroke depth and size of the average mechanical keyboard, which is why I adore this low-profile alternative. It does sacrifice the longevity and ease of repair you'd normally expect, but it handily replicates the feel of an old Apple IIc keyboard, which is something I had been chasing after for years before this product came to market.
Razer Lancehead - Anyone who has used, enjoyed, adored, or despised Razer products knows the frustrations of working with their proprietary Synapse software. I've owned nearly every Razer mouse since the Diamondback and it was a sad day when they scrapped everything accomplished with the Lachesis in favor of second-rate software. I'd love nothing more than to use Razer products without Synapse interfering and that's exactly what the Lancehead finally provides. Ambidextrous, capable of wired or wireless operation, offering the return of on board memory and supporting up to 18 different button combinations, this mouse is the best of all worlds in my opinion. 

For the analogue side of this, I have a lot more fun. This is my current collection of notebooks and pens:
 
Leuchtturm1917 - current stories' notes and snippets.
I often think every one of my notebooks should be a Leuchtturm1917. That's how good this notebook is. It is so good that I treasure this notebook (and the other two unused that are exactly like it) and only touch it when I feel there is something special about to come from my creative spark.
Pictured with my three Pilot Metropolitan fountain pens. The Pilot Retro Pop Turqoise Dots holds some very interesting color changing ink that I will have to edit this post to add a name for. It is ill-served by the fine nib.  The Pilot Metropolitan Violet Leopard holds standard Pilot Namiki blue ink cartridges on a fine nib. The Pilot Metropolitan Plain Black holds standard Pilot Namiki black ink cartridges on a fine nib. These pens are reliable workhorses with excellent nibs and are frequently my go-to pens.


Apica Wizard - task lists, thoughts and diagrams
Amazing quality for a fairly reasonable price. I never feel bad "wasting" pages on thoughts that go nowhere. I formerly used the Apica Twin Ring notebooks, which are essentially identical to this product. They are fairly reasonably priced for notebooks which handle fountain pens so well and I buy these notebooks more than any other.
Pictured with my TWSBI Eco extra fine nib fountain pen. I use Pilot Iroshizuku Kon-Peki ink in this pen which writes a beautiful shaded blue. I have had a few troubles with the nib on this pen, but without any maintenance it eventually settled into a solid performer that is always a joy to use.


Clairefontaine Orange - game design
The paper of this product handles ink very well except for the extra-long drying times. I often forget to wait it out and end up with smeared and smudged pages. I love the feel of the paper, but it can be very frustrating while focused to be forced to stop and wait for ink to dry. I found a good deal on these, but the drawbacks are a bit much. I don't think I will be buying many more.
Pictured with my Pilot Cavalier medium nib fountain pen. I use Monteverde FireOpal ink in this pen and the wider nib really helps to show off the coloring of this fantastic ink. I was pleasantly surprised by how thin this pen is and I love the design.


Moleskine Cahier black - scratch pad
I traveled from hating Moleskine because of its grip on hipster sensibilities to wanting to like Moleskine because of its story and back to preferring other products because of the way it handles ink. Excellent in its simplicity with a toothy, absorbent page, this product is designed for pencil, ballpoint and gel ink pens. Fountain pens fare poorly here, though I find use for them by resigning myself to writing on only one side of the page. This one is my general scratchpad - just a throwaway for doodles and scribbles.
Pictured with my Lamy 2000 extra fine nib fountain pen. I use Noodlers XFeather black ink with this pen. I wanted this to be my favorite pen of all because I love the design. However, the factory nib is atrocious and I haven't found a nibmeister to fix it. So, I rarely use this pen and don't really enjoy using it at all.


Moleskine Cahier cranberry - work notes
I've found that note-taking in the workplace (the most frequent use of this notebook) is often chaotic and disorganized. I'd characterize this as a scratchpad which I fully intend to discard when the final page is full.
Pictured with my TWSBI Diamond 580 extra fine nib fountain pen. I use Diamine Oxblood ink with this pen. This is easily the best fountain pen I own. Perhaps not because it is the best fountain pen ever made, but it came to me with a perfect nib and a fluid writing experience. This pen has never failed me - not even for one second. No leaks. No false starts. No changes in ink flow. Absolutely a joy to use. The only thing I could ever say against this pen is that it writes less like an extra fine and more like a medium. However, I think that may have more to do with the very wet Diamine ink than with the pen itself. I recommend this pen to everyone.


Clairfontaine Green - training notes
My thoughts on this are exactly the same as for the Orange version. It's the same product. In fact, I acquired this green one first. I had hoped a second notebook would prove more forgiving on drying times, but this is just the way this notebook works. I love the form factor, especially for taking detailed notes during whatever class I am attending. However, the frustrations are always there.
Pictured with my TWSBI Vac-Mini extra fine nib fountain pen. I use Pelikan Edelstein Aventurine ink with this pen. I was very excited to acquire this pen after hearing about the highly entertaining vacuum filler mechanism. Adding ink to the pen did not disappoint. However, I spent a fair amount of time frustrated with the pen as the ink would stop flowing after only a few minutes of use. I had to Google the issue to realize it was necessary to leave the piston pulled slightly back in order to prevent the vacuum from stopping ink flow. It all seems so obvious now, but it created a seed of dissatisfaction. Also, having the piston slightly raised is a less than ideal writing experience, which means this isn't my favorite pen. It is the aventurine ink within that keeps me coming back. The Vac-Mini doesn't provide a bad writing experience by any means, and the Pelikan ink is gorgeous on the page. 

Not pictured because I don't carry them with me:
Rhodia Dot Pad - sketch book
It's possible you've read my entire list and thought Wait.... where are the Tomoe River and Rhodia products? doesn't this guy know what he is missing? and you wouldn't be entirely wrong to think it. Rhodia makes absolutely amazing paper. I love my Rhodia Dot Pad but it is bulky because of what it is. It simply isn't convenient to carry about and I've found that I am not often in need of a sketch pad. Any time I want to draw something or design a new UI, this is my go-to. These are expensive, but worth the money.
Rhodia staplebound ruled notebook - letters to my children
I'll write it again: Rhodia makes top-notch paper. I adore this notebook and that's why I use it for what is arguably my most important writing. However, this notebook is fairly stark in terms of features which is why the cheaper Apica Wizard has supplanted it as my daily driver. With smooth, elegant and indestructible paper, I covet any excuse to write in this notebook.