Finally Finished

 At long last, after almost 2 decades of visiting and revisiting the prose of book 2 of the Prophecy Archives series, I think I am ready to finally say the book is complete. I put out a massive effort over the course of the past year to perform a final edit and voice an audiobook version of my story. I am very proud of the final product and happy to have finished the project. 

This time around I went through Amazon's self-publishing service. Whatever my feelings about Amazon as a corporation might be, I must admit that their kindle direct publishing service is fantastic. At least, it is fantastic from my point of view. Having previously attempted self-publishing when it was an uncommon thing to do, I have a lot of bad memories of the supply chain hangups involved. This service streamlines all of that and allowed me to focus solely on the process of producing a book. The only caveat is that I am only really allowed to sell the book through Amazon.

The Prophecy Archives

That link is another massive (in my opinion) benefit of working through Amazon. I can post a single link which includes all 4 parts of the book I created. Not only that, but it also includes the Kindle (ebook) versions and the Audible (audiobook) versions. This is a very nice-to-have perk.

My final thoughts on finishing are not unusual. There are many aspects of the story that I reviewed along the way which I would love to change or improve to some esoteric degree. There are writers who have proven themselves to be more talented at certain aspects of presentation. I have done the best I can and I must now recognize that it is not perfect and it is ok. It is enough. I can't burn another decade in the pursuit of a perfection I will never attain. For whatever rough textures you might encounter as a reader, please know that I am likely aware of it. Despite my many varied and intense efforts, I've not completely sanded these imperfections away. I don't know why I feel compelled to recognize this other than the hope that if some other writer reads this for some reason they might hear this encouragement: do your best, but also be able to accept your best as good enough even when it isn't the best that exists.

Roadblocks

Perhaps the most definitive experience in my writing "journey," has been the presence of roadblocks. Sometimes these are real and tangible things that happen to me and sometimes these are of my own creation. Whichever version they may be, roadblocks are the things which have halted my forward momentum.

I've entered a strange season of life, where I am frequently balancing a feeling that I could die at any moment against the list of things I would like to accomplish before the inevitable end puts a period on my creative process. In my optimistic youth I had imagined hundreds of novels I would one day write. Even in optimistic terms, if I could reliably output 1 novel per year, there is no version of this which will result in hundreds of novels. This realization has chided my current state of inactivity.

What happened to my plans? I gave up on them. I spent a period of my life pushing very hard to attain the title of "writer." The efforts I made did not result in any sort of financial benefit - certainly not any benefit which could justify writing to the extent that I wanted (full-time). Despite this, I have had several periods of my life which were opened to writing full-time, periods which I neither utilized to their fullest extent, nor realized the precious finity of.

In pondering these facts, I've begun to consider what I can do with whatever time I have left. I want my children to be able to read the stories I've been imagining my whole life. If nothing else, I want that. This means I have to wrestle thought to written word. And I have to do so with some urgency.

It isn't until I start trying to accomplish something that I begin to encounter the roadblocks. This is the comfort of letting the pursuit of writing drift to the back of my mind: there are no roadblocks to contend with. Currently, I am facing a fair few. 

1. The information I've generated about my story is scattered across my life and I have to gather at least some of it to ensure my writing remains consistent to what I've already produced.

2. I have to accept that my output may not be seen by anyone - even the people who are close to me that I've directly asked to look at it. People are busy and forgetful. I've certainly given myself the liberty to be so.

3. The formats I choose to present my ideas in each present their own limitations and challenges, which I am often ill-prepared to address. I have to strike a balance between trying to accomplish my goals perfectly and remembering to actually accomplish my goals. 

4. The rest of life does not pause itself to make space for my projects. I have to learn how to fit honest and profound effort into the cracks and spaces that I am able to find. The challenge of doing this without missing out on the limited supply of life experiences with my family is monumental, but important.

Today, I thought to type all of this out because I am attempting to resolve my initiative into continued forward momentum. I've divided my second book into four sections and promised to make those available in several formats. I've stalled a bit along that journey as these roadblocks have tripped me. I am standing back up and moving forward again, and again.

Cooperative Storytelling

Although progress on my main storyline has ground to an unceasing halt in the past decade, I am neither dead nor inactive. Lately, I've focused my storytelling efforts on long form cooperative story narration. Otherwise known as Dungeons and Dragons, or tabletop RPG gaming. Different people participate in the hobby for different reasons, but for me it is very much an exercise in telling a story. In this case, a story which I am making up as I go along.

This has brought a lot of challenges, particularly with plot continuity. The story is currently being styled after a pre-built module which encapsulates all of the larger plot points and things which are supposed to motivate the characters forward. The modules themselves have starting and ending points which the players progress between. Atop this I have two main challenges which are helping me flex my atrophied story writing capabilities. First, there's the character backgrounds and motivations themselves. This portion is very cooperative, as the backgrounds and plot hooks are all developed by the players and then shared with me at whatever moment seems ideal to them. Second is the overarching storyline I am developing by myself to tie together the Character's narratives along with the various modules' narratives.

I imagine at some point all of this will simply become too cumbersome to continue. However, for now I have had the delightful experience of seeing my narrative possibilities grow and expand to the point that I am now plotting out how best to carry my players to the next major point in my own story and determining which pre-made modules might best suit this journey.

This is by no means a story of which I am proud, but I am enjoying it enough to share the meat of its production in prose format on a separate weblog. Plot holes? I am certain there are many. Cliches? Undoubtedly thousands of them.

It is a bit freeing to work on a project without any self-imposed quality limitations. This is just for fun, and something I will continue to deem a success for as long as the players stay engaged and derive enjoyment from the plot progression.

The Struggle Is Real

It has been awhile since I have mustered the desire to invest time into writing at the end of the day. I know that if I want to be a "writer" then I haven't any other choice. However, I have grown strangely comfortable with my half-hearted effort. When I read stories of other authors who wrote their first book in their spare time while juggling all the rest of life, I tell myself simply that they felt and acted much the same way, there's just no reason to include it in a triumphant story of struggling through to achieve their goals.

I still maintain my goal of finishing a new edit on my second book before the advent of my 40th birthday. It grows more unlikely by the day, but I am clinging to the hope. I am the only one clinging to it, I think. I don't feel like anyone around me is really taking me seriously at this point. This is fine. I haven't given anyone much reason to take me seriously.

Even so, I do feel like I am pressing onward. Currently, I am stuck. I am suck in the prelude of my own story because it is the section with which I am the most unhappy. It might not be the worst section, I am not sure. It is the most pressing to me because it is the part that drives people away from the story before they can make enough headway to care about finishing. 

I know what the issues with the prelude are and I have a good idea how to address them. Even so, I am having a lot of trouble getting myself to slog through the rewrite. I've told myself it is because I am out of practice. Or because I am tired. Or because I lack inspiration. 

All true. 

I have to get through this, though, if I am to have any hope of finishing within a month.

Not done yet

I am quite pleased that my writing enjoyment did not end with the snippet composed as of my last post. I have continued in the vein of that proposed plot progression. I have some concerns over my portrayal of the main character, but overall am more pleased to actually spend some time portraying her than concerned about an inaccurate version. I will, of course, spend a great deal of time slowly hashing out the finer points.

I am more committed to the actual plot points as well. I feel they provide an excellent setting to the last act of the story. I am not certain how relevant my musings on that setting will be in our current society, but I think they have some danger of ostracizing me as a writer. I am mostly alright with this, but only given that I successfully convey the finer details of my thinking. If people wish to hate me for that, it's fine. I just don't want it to happen over a misinterpreted or poorly written thought. It is a bit of a minefield, but one I have been anxious to wade into.

My lament here is that I haven't released a serious revision of any writing and yet the most interesting pastime for me is to adventure into the final act of what should be a very, very long story arc. I still have zero confidence in my ability to write on a full-time basis - my past failures haunt me more than I can say. 

I have but one goal, and time is passing so very quickly that I am not sure I will succeed in reaching it: to finish the newest edit on TPA:TGW before my birthday. The birthday comes in August and I have stalled out on just the prelude to the book, for reference's sake. I have some good ideas of what needs to be done, I am just not sitting down to do it.

This is an old and tired excuse. It will ensure I never reach my goal if I continue to return to it.

Written Again

I dipped once more into the euphoria of snippet composition yesterday. I found myself fascinated with an alteration to the Bruce vignette which managed to marry all the characters together with a cohesion that has hitherto eluded me. I am confident this is the right direction for this act in the narrative, far off though it may be. Lamentations over my lack of proficiency aside, this alteration provided the inspiration for an intriguing shift to the dynamic between the main character and some of the setting's personalities. I couldn't help myself but to write the piece as I saw it in my head, which extended my fifteen minute afternoon break awkwardly past its confines. I had to stay late to make it up, which caused real-world chagrin with the schedule for my family, yet it was wholly worthwhile.

As for the actual prose I composed, I am not confident it is actually good. Not because of the composition itself, that part is doubtless deeply flawed, but for the content. I explored a concept in the relationship that is... exotic. Exotic and also repulsive. It is both appropriate to the action beat and inappropriate to the potential audience. I cannot imagine my own children trying to make sense of what occurs in this scene and how it might alter their perceptions of the world around them. Perhaps in an educating fashion, perhaps in a challenging one. Perhaps only in a damaging way. I haven't had the necessary time to work through this in my mind, but I will need to spend a good deal of time pondering the ramifications of such a narrative choice before I can commit to it as a definitive addition to the story cannon.

These concerns aside, it was a joy to actually feel like a writer again. I am certainly not deserving of the blessing.

Trello Activated

Though I have very little to say of actual writing, I invested in a project to enhance my writing experience by augmenting it with a Trello board (for the TPA-TGW rewrite in particular. I have yet to determine whether this is just a distraction or an actual aid. So far, I've found myself listless and unproductive in my attempts to rewrite the prelude after a strong start on the first section. I think this is because there are so many problems with the second section that I don't really know where to begin with it. 

I do need to begin, though. Else this effort dies like so many other and dreams of completing TPA-TGW before I turn 40 die with it. I have all the usual distractions, which I indulged in heavily this past weekend, but I retain a positive outlook. As I have suspected previously, I am out of practice with writing. Whether that becomes a primary excuse or a hurdle to clear is yet to be determined in full. For now, it is mostly just a primary excuse.

In the meantime, I've been writing snippets for God, Logically and enjoying the process thoroughly.